I Mean Sorry

When people say sorry when they haven't done anything it still means something, it means they are sorry and wish they could have taken it away

It means I am sorry I wasn't there to stop it, even though time makes that impossible

It means I love you more than I could ever say, and not just I love you when you make me laugh or I love you when you do something pleasant but that I have love for you running through every part of me

You probably cannot bear to go back there and think of it and neither can I, because you are part of me now and my world and it hurts me that anyone could hurt you

And if I could go back there and make it all go away and go back there and take you away and hold you and tell you that one day you would meet me and that things are not right now but that they will be one day I would because I would do anything for you

And it doesn't need to be me and you against the world, or any other romantic sentements, but just that I am here and always will be and no child deserves to burn and hurt like you did and I am sorry

Still Haunts

Although she didn't understand the saying, standing there looking at her reflection in the window by the sink, she said she would fight tooth and nail for the man

She couldn't have anyone, but she didn't want anyone, she wanted him

The seductress, such a passionate word was beautiful and like a snake wound herself around the one she wanted

She worked in a bank and clicked with her nails on the desk and smiled her smile that we couldn't tell was real or not, and she understood that men were vunerable and she didn't care for consequence or hearts ripped in two, or lonely nights, because this was what she needed to breath

Apparent vunerability was what charmed her, and the man returned again and again to look into the green eyes and to sink his hand between her milky white thighs while the other stood at the window, hands gripping the sink, bile rising in her throat, waiting

And what is past is prolouge and it is written forever

Vena

There is someone who has started to carry my blood away from my heart and make me real

It is oxygen, tissues and back to the lungs...

There is now a structure and function

There is now life and real feeling

And last night I ran my fingers over your beautiful veins and smiled

Darkness

There's a storm outside and my head is closing in, the sound inside it is muted but I try to hold it high because I don't know whether this is real or not

And I have pockets of real happiness surrounding me, and sometimes the rain lifts and there is a gap in the thunder and I can see the waves settling and the sickness bears down and leaves me for a while but it is always there waiting for me, invincible untouched by anything that tries to make you leave me.

And sometimes the waves just curl and roll and crawl like white fingers on land, and sometimes the rain is just light and I can see the sun breaking through, perhaps one day there is a rainbow fighting through, and there are always endless dreams but my head still swims and my heart still aches and my skin tingles and I feel it, you coming closer, waiting to touch my soul.

This Summer

Just when life seemed just too much it was luck that got you for me
And the demons are out to ruin me but now you paint a picture that means they can't get into my groggy head...and it was for me...and I will always look after you

And you have a good soul and you make me feel like I am on fire and there is nothing wrong and I don't believe in perfection but you come close

Listening to your heartbeat holding fast can you hear mine, watching you sleep, not moving, so soft against me, this is what is supposed to exist and watching you drive and listening to you talk and longing for you, I think this is what being happy is and still it is terrifying.

We aren't playing any games and this is turning out to be a constructive summer, doing nothing but doing so much and my head feels clear and it is not spinning with love songs but with joy and clarity

We are building something this summer and it is love and trust and togetherness, and climb up to me and I will climb to you and we can talk and explore each other and it is all going to be well and good

And you are such a sleepyhead and oh you...

Falling falling I am so falling but not falling down this time, so look what you have done and thank you and even if I find myself out of luck and lose you I will always remember how it felt to be happy and me and how I don't have to hide like a child anymore, and I will promise you more than gardens and taking care of you and I will try not to get ahead of my time and I won't change my mind and I won't be cruel.

And there are so many things I want to say to you but I am scared of scaring you but I love you.