These Days

These days

Have I told you how I felt so sad?

Can you tell me how it felt because I can't remember

Should I tell you why I feel so down?

The same old clouds and the same old doubts

My head was in the sand and now it is in the clouds

I don't care about the wind in my hair because I am not alone these days

I didn't want to show you my heart but I am glad I did

I wasn't misunderstood

Song

And the piano plays the first bit, and my mind smiles
And yes, it means I have to admit there is a power ballad that is the soundtrack to my life at the moment

They used it as a slogan before the air disaster, but no disasters are going to happen here

Because there is some kind of magic inside you, it keeps me from running, how did you learn to do the things you do?

And I am all for your eyes only, and you can be the spy who loved me

Sweet and the best

The best

Thinking

Over the rooftops and under the sky, under the bridge and over the water
Under the trees and in the forest, watching the shepherds watching their flock silently
Letting me daydream for a little while longer

I'm helpless and hopeless in everyway and I am thinking I am coming back to you

Now I am thinking about you

Hailstones and melting snow into rain, I see the rainbows and the sunny gaze and the traffic stops and I think could I keep daydreaming for a little while longer

I'm helpless and helping in everyway and I can't wait to come back to you

And now you have gone away, I never went anywhere and now I am really thinking about you

I am searching for you, you are not far somewhere along the coast

Just turn around and I was right where you were

Scratches

I have got a scratch reflex and I am fearing mud fever, those sensory neurons will respond to the chemical stimulus that produces an itch sensation and I am scratching and it is hurting

There is a pure form domain and it is a region on the surface of the body and the surface of the body is worn out and not enough and not right and it is faulty and still I am scratching

Have I got a central nervous system and am I real because I wander through this world not here most of the time and I can't see the colours properly

Chemical stimulus, nerve endings, nerves are ending, compulsions and obsessions and fixations and lying always to myself but not to you, and my central pattern is distorted and not pretty and the times I do have inhibition is certainly is very ugly and those colours should be brighter and surely I should see them and the optics they are not working as they should

I learnt that light is everything, we see light, a beautiful man explained it to me one day while I was looking at the light in his eyes, and that is a colour I see so clearly, and he told me ultraviolet, and infrared light. Because light is an electromagnetic wave, did you know that? I still half understand.

Let me see the colours and let me see the light, I am asking myself this

Summer Rain

Summer summer summer shine, the summer rains and I don't mind, and I love the feel of the sun and the smell of the rain on my skin

And I had so many hopes, but hoping is overrated and you say no regrets and I pretend to agree, but what is life without regrets and mistakes

I am sure there are many who regret me, and when watching the stars, sitting under the blanket of lights who offer untrue opportunities of warmth I wonder if the stars regret me

And there you are, your face is so bright and it shines like the sun and it never rains and sometimes I think you might be my hero, because you just do it and you never regret and you never complain

Easy Does It

Let's get them all in and don't push, don't squeeze them in, and so much for my tower that I built because it has all fallen down.

And it has given me a great idea, let's make it. We will need some things and we will need air to breathe and some clear sight because at the moment my eyes are all glazed but you can see for me? Can't you, will you....I am forever asking for other people to see for me and I know it isn't really dark, and I know the feeling of someone scouring my brain like a dirty old forgotten pan isn't really there, but I feel it, and it does make me feel sick

And scissors are sharp, so don't push, don't squeeze it all in, and I can see a half circle shape, like a planet, or a star or one of those in the sky that you don't really understand why or where or what they are doing there

And you make me laugh, and so do those around me, playing drums and hoping to be in the barn

But I want a rest from being me, it isn't easy to be with someone constantly, day in, day out that you cannot stand, that you despise, that let's face it, you hate more than every feeling you could ever have...you wouldn't do it would you? But I have to live with me every day

Paper Pet Fish

Play sand and sticking tape and I have got it, there you go, did you think it was possible?

To find out we will have to be very quick and make a sticky roll and all roll down with the fish even though they are made of paper and their scales and fins are fragile, but we only had a minute and a minute to say goodbye and hello and make the paper pet fish

And here is a reminder of how to do it, and here is one I made earlier and one day we can take them to the sea and they will become real fish, swimming and silver and breathing through the water their eyes will shine and they will flit and weave and slide through the real blue water, and not lie on the shelf all papery and pretend

And I will take a picture of us when we have more than a minute and I will frame it but let's have a practice first in the sixty seconds we have and if you have more time that you find you can put it on your wall, or by your bed

And there will be a line of dots towards the tail, because it is all in the detail

Falling Fast

I am falling

I am falling fast and it is all my fault

And my head is smashing against the floor

But no men or horses are going to put me together again

And they all look and know this one is not worth saving because it is useless to the core

I Mean Sorry

When people say sorry when they haven't done anything it still means something, it means they are sorry and wish they could have taken it away

It means I am sorry I wasn't there to stop it, even though time makes that impossible

It means I love you more than I could ever say, and not just I love you when you make me laugh or I love you when you do something pleasant but that I have love for you running through every part of me

You probably cannot bear to go back there and think of it and neither can I, because you are part of me now and my world and it hurts me that anyone could hurt you

And if I could go back there and make it all go away and go back there and take you away and hold you and tell you that one day you would meet me and that things are not right now but that they will be one day I would because I would do anything for you

And it doesn't need to be me and you against the world, or any other romantic sentements, but just that I am here and always will be and no child deserves to burn and hurt like you did and I am sorry

Still Haunts

Although she didn't understand the saying, standing there looking at her reflection in the window by the sink, she said she would fight tooth and nail for the man

She couldn't have anyone, but she didn't want anyone, she wanted him

The seductress, such a passionate word was beautiful and like a snake wound herself around the one she wanted

She worked in a bank and clicked with her nails on the desk and smiled her smile that we couldn't tell was real or not, and she understood that men were vunerable and she didn't care for consequence or hearts ripped in two, or lonely nights, because this was what she needed to breath

Apparent vunerability was what charmed her, and the man returned again and again to look into the green eyes and to sink his hand between her milky white thighs while the other stood at the window, hands gripping the sink, bile rising in her throat, waiting

And what is past is prolouge and it is written forever

Vena

There is someone who has started to carry my blood away from my heart and make me real

It is oxygen, tissues and back to the lungs...

There is now a structure and function

There is now life and real feeling

And last night I ran my fingers over your beautiful veins and smiled

Darkness

There's a storm outside and my head is closing in, the sound inside it is muted but I try to hold it high because I don't know whether this is real or not

And I have pockets of real happiness surrounding me, and sometimes the rain lifts and there is a gap in the thunder and I can see the waves settling and the sickness bears down and leaves me for a while but it is always there waiting for me, invincible untouched by anything that tries to make you leave me.

And sometimes the waves just curl and roll and crawl like white fingers on land, and sometimes the rain is just light and I can see the sun breaking through, perhaps one day there is a rainbow fighting through, and there are always endless dreams but my head still swims and my heart still aches and my skin tingles and I feel it, you coming closer, waiting to touch my soul.

This Summer

Just when life seemed just too much it was luck that got you for me
And the demons are out to ruin me but now you paint a picture that means they can't get into my groggy head...and it was for me...and I will always look after you

And you have a good soul and you make me feel like I am on fire and there is nothing wrong and I don't believe in perfection but you come close

Listening to your heartbeat holding fast can you hear mine, watching you sleep, not moving, so soft against me, this is what is supposed to exist and watching you drive and listening to you talk and longing for you, I think this is what being happy is and still it is terrifying.

We aren't playing any games and this is turning out to be a constructive summer, doing nothing but doing so much and my head feels clear and it is not spinning with love songs but with joy and clarity

We are building something this summer and it is love and trust and togetherness, and climb up to me and I will climb to you and we can talk and explore each other and it is all going to be well and good

And you are such a sleepyhead and oh you...

Falling falling I am so falling but not falling down this time, so look what you have done and thank you and even if I find myself out of luck and lose you I will always remember how it felt to be happy and me and how I don't have to hide like a child anymore, and I will promise you more than gardens and taking care of you and I will try not to get ahead of my time and I won't change my mind and I won't be cruel.

And there are so many things I want to say to you but I am scared of scaring you but I love you.

Canolbarth Cymru

I was in the Green Desert of Wales, eating chips that were greasy and tinned carrots cooked in sugar. The heartland. It's all right, we didn't come to cause trouble. Here we can cover our tracks, here you won't be dead too. Too stubborn. Maybe we could have saved them, who knows. The mess...wasn't your fault. You did everything you could.

Bounded to the north by Gwynedd, Denbighshire and Wrexham, clinging to the west by Ceredigion and Carmarthenshire fly to the east by Shropshire and Herefordshire; and to the south by Rhondda Cynon Taf, Merthyr Tydfil, Caerphilly, Blaenau Gwent, Monmouthshire and Neath Port Talbot.

Llywelyn the Last, Llywelyn ap Gruffydd, Gruff Lly, my last leader, not theirs. Met his death in 1244, falling....falling....escaping from the top of the Tower of London. This window to death bricked up and still seen by eyes today.

Do you not see the path of the wind and the rain?
Do you not see the oak trees in turmoil?
Cold my heart in a fearful breast
For the king, the oaken door of Aberffraw

The valley with its patchwork fields that lie like a hotchpotch quilt across the land, dotted with sheep but no souls. No souls for a day. The fairy tree, the swing, field one and field two and mind the nettles, because they sting. I thought one day the poplars would fall and land crashing onto the barn, the greenhouse, me.

The heart of Wales cut off from its lifeline from the rest of the world by the Beeching Axe, the reshaping of the railways, but the Wye Valley taxi man keeps on, ferrying.

Water-breaks-its-neck with the tall willowy man, and the three girls in matching dresses, across the old stone arched footbridge with views down into the waterfall gorge.

Sensible footwear is recommended and do not beat a dog with a stick.

Dead flies in the windowsill, the pictures on the walls, same questions asked, and the room with the dresses, always out of bounds. Boiled eggs by the Rayburn and Panda Pops right up high. And the ominous what is poisoning you poster on the fridge.

The visitors book in the dusty church where we saw the man that was not there and an untended grave.

Heather and gorse. Lucky and spiky. Badger sets at midnight.

My grandfather's namesake said see this layered sandstone among the short mountain grass. Place your right hand on it, palm downwards. See where the sun rises and where it stands at noon. Direct your middle finger midway between them. Spread your fingers, not widely. You now hold this place in your hand - the six rivers rise on the plateau on the back of your hand.

I hold it all in my head.

Septic Sceptic

I didn't mean to startle you. It's just I wanted to tell you about the American flag flying in the wind on a dark night in Apple Valley.

They've never met the visitor before but are very excited to do so, because they no longer want to be frightened by the mystery.

Just to find out what they have to say, I guess.

It's exactly as she pictured you know. The moon hangs like a low light in a 70's Italian bistro over the desolate one storey house in Apple Valley with the swing swinging alone like in all the horror films.

Greetings are made and the presence is open and happy. There was once a powerful man but there is also a warmth to him, and I am sure none of this makes...sense?

He liked to shoot guns.

Father Tom.

The candles lit in the hallway don't really help, blow them out for fuck's sake, don't yelp. He won't talk to the child. But he is safe so she is happy.

No doubt but no validation. This is bullshit.

And the crickets still vibrate and the flag suddenly stops blowing because there is no more wind.

Stay

I won't really go, I know I won't go, and I am trying as hard as I can to voice this.

I am sorry, I am apologising the best way I can.

You have nursed me, I am proud of you. It's always been just the two of us, so cling on, keep me close and here and keep me sane because sometimes the energy flows and sometimes it dies. Ebbs and flows. Slows and dies.

You are welcome.

Cycle

What do I do now? And I don't remember anymore. Anything else in the diary...the longest party I have ever been to, life.

All consuming and an identity of my own. Unfashionable triumph. And I worship its code, sounds and symbols. Its unrepentent irony and unforgiving unstoppable system.

Always the underdog, the small thing. You have millions of fans, and yes, you go that way. It's not nostalgia, and I haven't sold out please.

It becomes part of you and then you die. It is spectacular and embarrassing and faulty. Fireflies fall and I am awake but I am asleep. Paralysing. No magic numbers. No magic fingers. No system at all.

A haunting evidence, a residue of something I left behind. I can't and I won't. And no, I won't visit, and no, I am not the kind of person to leave flowers, or even send a birthday card. I have not sent a letter in years.

It is utter carnage at times, my head and this life.

It's a myth.

When they said my name there was no shock or suprise, no inflection. It's just I would like to have been remembered.

Life, I have an immense love for you, and I do try to feel you, but have to put some distance between us sometimes....and then I miss you, so open up the window and flow in before I change my mind.

Unstoppable Rise of the Young Sheep Car

I had the giddyness of someone who wasn't yet sure of what was happening to me. I had the love, the lust, the want but no means to carry this out, so had to climb to the top of the great tower of control with its death defying peaks and throw myself off in order to actually speak to you.

I was someone else that night, someone raw, nothing left of me. I sat, there, looking right of me...at...you and couldn't believe we were sharing the same air.

My world, it stopped.

I had a rabbit's heart beating more times a second than is possible to measure by an human scale.

You see, I get quite lonely.

The kind you don't take home to mother.

It was vital that my words were well turned out. I was like a hopeful piling into an audition and then forgetting all my lines. Something was going on and I think the going on was happening here, right now. Right...then.

I would be barefoot and pregnant and poor and lost only to find my way inside you. If only I could be certain that I could love you forever I would carve you into my existence and keep you, love, here always.

Carey

His book sat on the shelf for years. I would never imagine picking it up and reading any words from it. Title is all I knew. It was as much part of the room as the chipped skirting board and the eye in the wood on the door that looked like a fingerprint, a whorl.

Now I meet him in print twenty years on and I hear he says that love is like a salty sea, and I like this. He relaxes with Larazapam...read on. And that every 100 pages or so he has sex. His face is oh...so normal and his hair is just grey. Nothing remarkable about this man. Bob Dylan, he says, can play whatever he likes at his funeral.

And that she knows she is the love of his life.

I might pick up the story of the Cornish son of a Plymouth Brethren minister and the young Australian heiress who buys a glass factory.

Hunt

I was right all along.

This is the spot where we hid the treasure all those years ago. You didn't lose your memory at all, and you were never sick. We were just trying to be kind.

I'm sorry.

You have to return everything everyone ever gave you. I will do it. This hurts.

Puppets and frogs and witches and cats. Can you guess the odd one out? Find out if you got it right after the break. It won't hurt, won't feel a thing, the breaking.

I am the reigning champion and I am the king of this castle, and you my dear are nothing but a disgusting dirty rascal. Head, energy, neck, come to me direct. Visit me, adventure.

Jump into a bowl and swim through the plastic castle and wind, the fish food falls like rocks above you. Be careful, friend.

At the fair Rachel was winning prizes. She always wins these games and then gets dizzy. Inside was a very mysterious lady, perhaps she was called Mystic Mill, and she asks us to cross her palm with...bannanas...bannanas! And predicts big losses. But what about....me?

Step right up. Candy floss is the prize. The friends started fishing. We caught one and another but to me, this was impossible. And not fair. It has all come true. And we are in a pink flossy cloud, and we found our treasure.

Coast

I dream of the sound plates at Dungeness and the chalk at Dover. The Channel speaks to me and breaths life into me like a friend I always but never knew was there.

Metacarcinus Magister, Brachyura, Decapoda, Dakoticancroidea, frighten me and send shivers down my spine but still I want more.

Where the land meets the sea and where I meet my ultimate fear yet my beloved friend, always waiting, but always different. Gulf, shore, pelagic, bay. Agents of rocks and cliffs eroding and breaking, dipping and falling, crashing and rolling. I dream of Mermaids and pulsing jellyfish and wrecks with crabs scuttling through the eyes of skulls.

My extended outlook towards this millpond mass is echoed with the words of my childhood... Cromarty
Forth
Tyne
Dogger
Fisher

Bluff, stack, stump, slide away, swallow....me....whole and let me go. Boondocks, mudflats, ria, shoal, split and arc. Split and take me, over and over again. Up and down and over and over again. It's hurting my eyes and burning my throat but I am there and this makes me real, and beyond humanity.

And we are sleeping and we are sailing by...Fisher
German Bight
Humber
Thames
Dover
Wight

I am formerly Finasterre and formally covered in dust and layers of skin that I shed when in and dreaming of my Sole
Lundy
Fastnet
Irish Sea
Shannon
Rockall
Malin
Hebrides
Bailey
Fair Isle
Faeroes

And I love you. But every part of you terrifies me to my very core and the length of coastline reaches infinity...

Mare, el Mar, Mer, how long is the coast? And how long is my love for you?

Three

Fate pulled a cruel trick on you, because you would have made a great mum. What you you writing? I can usually work out where you are.

I think I am glad you did...and no too. But she knows. And...yes...maybe in a bit. You were wearing that the day before and on...Monday?

It's ok because you can always be the one we can call when we need some fun and dancing. And laughing in the rain. What's eating you up eh? Parasites in the womb not life.

You don't need it...there is plenty of time. It;s not essential. Hello, little man. Darling baby girl. If you think I am cute you should see my...daddy. Is he yours? Don't they grow up quick? Oh.

You want to stay then? I might have to go. If you do stay I can always...sorry. I can't do this...I can always...I can't, always. I want more. Sorry. It's not the end of the world, not like losing a limb.

Nothing can fill this hole.

Dirty.

You and Me Words

I'm not hungry. Call me? Your name again? Get rid of him will you?

They will get the message and don't blame yourself. Had a great time last night, last time, next time, soon.

You....first. Why? Well, it was just a thought.

Bear with me
Bear with me
Bear with me

She doesn't want me here.

Bear with me
Bear with me
Bear with me

Likewise! There has been a lot I did not expect. You are not wrong. If you want to cry, yell, scream and shout go right...ahead. I believe in stuff. Sometimes.

Bear with me
Bear with me
Bear with me

I was going to go and see a medium. This is sometimes so painful I wish I had never met you. I would have felt any pain to have had one minute more with you.

Take your shoes off.

Bear with me
Bear with me
Bear with me

Behave yourself. Don't show off. Everyone can hear. It's bedtime. Make the most of it. I am going to make you so proud. That will be a first.

Bear with me
Bear with me
Bear with me

That's where I used to live. Don't you care? Are you interested in any of this shit? I thought it was you. I am sorry. I'm so so sorry. Better go. I'll treat you. Invite only? Private party, oh. Suprise party. Double shift I'm afraid.

Bear with me
Bear with me
Bear with me

Anytime, absolutely anytime, and I mean that. What the lady wants, the lady gets. Nobody goes to Margate on their birthday. I'll be truly happy if you just bear with me....bear here with me.

14 Second City

Detecting the patterns, making us safer, every living detail beating like a heartbeat, screams unheard of one in pain and laughs, as we, you.....they....laugh at nothing and everything but not at us or with us.

The person who missed the bus. The one that was far too early.

Mornings bring here- this came for you. I love you. Come back safe? See you next week then and any idea what food to buy? I cannot wait for tonight, this afternoon next week.

Click, click.

Excuse me.

Click, click.

Cheers.

Click, click.

Scrape.

How do I?

And how much?

This is lovely.

Click, click.

Too right she will.

Leave a message, yes it's me. Balance minus. She's got the morning off. Oh....sorry...oh. There had better be a reason. Sorry? A better reason? Sorry? A good reason? What did you say?

Safe and sound. Sounds are safe.

Click, click.

Milk?

For what it's worth.

It's all happened in 1234567891011121314 seconds and the patterns cannot and will not be detected again.